[.01]
So… it’s been a while.
Lucy has been a busy gal this summer.
But… her life should begin to settle soon. Then she can get busy with the writing.
And now Lucy shall stop referring to herself in the third person.
[.02]
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to write here. You see, I want to be honest and real in my writing. But, as this is an anonymous blog, I don’t want to be “found out”, so to speak. Please be patient while I try to figure this out.
[.03]
Recently, I’ve been going through some of my older work, and I’ve discovered something: I never like my own writing.
I don’t know why this is, but I am never, ever happy with my own work. It could always be better, always be improved, is never as good as such-and-such… and I can live with that. I know I’m my own worst critic, and that’s okay. But how in the world am I supposed to know what’s good and what really is as awful as I think it is? Hmm.
I suppose that the practical answer would be to show some people and get opinions… but that would involve letting people read my work, wouldn’t it? Dilemmas, dilemmas.
[.04]
Apparently, I’m a decent inspirational speaker. At a few of the seminars I’ve attended this year, I’ve been a kind of “guest speaker” and given short talks about the lessons I’ve learned in life, and people always come up to me afterwards and tell me how much they loved what I had to say and how they were deeply touched by such-and-such story… it’s actually rather overwhelming. I mean to say, I am thrilled to the core that I can have that kind of effect on people, but it’s so strange to have friends (many being heroes of mine) look up to me as a leader… it’s a heavy responsibility!
The first time I realized that responsibility, I had a meltdown. An honest, painful, bawling-my-eyeballs-out meltdown. Two of my friends came to me and prayed with me and reminded me that God doesn’t hand you what you can’t handle- as trite or cliche as that may sound, it made all of the difference. Knowing that all of me- the good and the bad- is in the hands of the God of the universe. The hands that made everything out of nothing can make something out of what I have to offer. Amen?
Amen.
[.05]
Today was my first day of physical therapy. I have a disability that affects my balance, and this was supposed to help. And it might have, if my diagnosis was right. The exercises they had me do should have made me dizzy (to test the severity of my disability), and none of them did! This means that I may not have what the doctor said I have, and we may be back at square one.
I have no words for how frustrating this feeling is. I’ve been dealing with these health issues for about three or four years, and finally had a diagnosis this year… even some ways to help control it! And now… all I have is a list of things it isn’t and a list of symptoms that make no sense.
Oh well, nineteen more sessions in which to figure things out.
[.06]
I put too many tags on my entries. I don’t know why, I just do. Is that weird?
[.07]
So, I now have much blog-reading to catch up on.
Take care,
-Lucy
“I never like my own writing.
I don’t know why this is, but I am never, ever happy with my own work. It could always be better, always be improved, is never as good as such-and-such…”
Oh-my-god that’s exactly how I feel. Verbatim.